Founded on the Rock - Interview Season Update
On our wedding day, Ben and I chose the scripture verse Matthew 7:24-25 to be read during our ceremony.
“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock."
Jesus is telling a parable of a smart man who built his house on a rock, and that no storm could sway it. And the foolish man that built his house on the sand lost his house during the storms. I've always loved that verse because I think it applies well to marriage. When you marry your best friend, your rock, it's very hard for storms to sway it. It's harder for life's challenges to beat you down.
We had family and friends sign little rocks and throw them in a "wishing well" bucket. Words of encouragement are now stained in marker and sitting in that same bucket in our apartment. I like to take them out and look at them sometimes, laughing at most of them, and growing teary over others.
When Ben was about to start the interview process, I wanted us both to be reminded of our promise to one another. That we'd always stay firm, even when things got hard. During prayer one night, I kept asking God to show me how we could do this during this season. I kept hearing the word "rock" over and over. An idea flashed through my head that I should find a rock, and Ben can take it with him on his interviews as a reminder that I'll always be here.
On one of our date nights to a pumpkin patch recently, we walked together through a corn maze and found a smooth, clean rock. It was much cleaner and smoother than the jagged dirty ones that surrounded our feet. I placed it in his bag when we got home. He told me he holds it when he prays before each of his interviews.
It's been awhile since I've written because, to be honest, I've been trying to live 4th year of med school up as much as I can. I knew Ben's crazy interview schedule would hit us like lightning, so I wanted to soak up as much care-free time with him as I could. Well, my friends - that time has ended and the interview season is pouring down on us!
July through September was a total breeze. They weren't kidding when they said the first few months of 4th year is filled with much more free time! We took a lot of weekend trips, saw a lot of family, and got to travel to weddings and be in wedding parties. We went on a lot of date nights and spent some days cuddled up on the couch just talking and playing with our dog. It was the dream.
Then came interview season. October-February is when programs around the country will send out invitations to come interview with them, depending on what specialty you are looking to go into. On March 20, 2020 (Match Day) our fate will be determined and we'll know where we will be spending the next 4+ years!
What people don't really understand about 4th year, and what I didn't understand, is the game you need to play in order to get these interviews with programs. First, you need to apply to a lot of them. Depending on what specialty, the more the better. Then, if you're lucky, they'll send you an email to come interview. Most programs will give you specific dates to choose from, while others will give you one day and you need to make that day work.
If you get an email for an interview, sometimes you need to respond in 30 seconds or less. Otherwise, the spot can fill up. And guess what? You won't get another chance for an interview.
When applications were sent out back in October, Ben prepared me well. We created a gmail account so that all of the interview invitations would be sent to it. While he was on his rotations or with patients, invitations would come through that he couldn't easily reply to, so I would do it. Sometimes I might send him a quick text asking if a date worked for him, but mostly I'd reply with the top choice of dates and work from there. We filled out his google calendar together, coordinating hotel information and (if needed) flight info.
There is usually a dinner with residents before each interview the night before, so we planned for that too. How long would it take to get there? Which hotel would be the cheapest/closest/safest? What should he bring to each one? What should he wear? Would he be able to attend to patients that day, or would he need to request full days off?
This is the process...each and every time.
So far he has had a few overnight trips to different states for interviews, as well as a multiple day conference in Chicago. When I first looked at the month of November I freaked out a little bit. He's rotating with his dad who is also a doctor an hour away from home, so when he isn't interviewing he is spending his time there. I worried mostly about Ben traveling in these weather conditions we're having. He ~thankfully~ returned from Indiana safe and sound last night as the first snowfall started to hit us hard. I would prefer him to fly to most of these locations, but financially and logistically it just became too much of a headache.
I won't lie and say this has been a fun time for us. It hasn't.
I've noticed that I haven't been able to multi-task the way I used to. Things that used to be so easy for me are now overshadowed with how overwhelmed I am. When he's gone, I worry about him getting to where he needs to be. During his interviews, I sit at work and mull over how it's going - if he likes it, do they like him, will we end up there, how much will all of this cost, etc.
I let other daily tasks that should be done easily slip through my fingers. Dishes aren't being done. The laundry is sitting folded, but in the living room. I'm forgetting plans I made with family members and friends, and just can't keep things straight anymore.
I've gotten frustrated at my lack of clarity. I'm an incredibly organized person. I'm usually so on top of things and well prepared. By this time last year I had mostly all of my Christmas gifts purchased and plans for New Years were set in stone. This year, I don't even know what I want for Christmas or where we will be two weeks from now.
This lacking in routine has been not so great for my anxiety. Things can spin out of control and leave my mind in a dark place. "I will let you know as soon as I know Ben's schedule" has become a regular sentence out of my mouth.
I'm usually a good communicator, so that's one thing that hasn't changed. I always update Ben on how I'm feeling, no matter what. It's important during this time to keep an open line of communication between you and your spouse. The last thing you need is to be on completely separate pages. Ben helps calm me by going over plans for the week. I ask him the same questions over and over again, looking at the calendar, trying to make sense of the chaos. He's patient, explaining that he'll need to drive here and here, and stay overnight here, but will be back on this night. He reminds me it's okay to have a disrupted routine, and that everything will get accomplished when it's meant too. And this has been the process that saves me. Patience, prayer, communication, and his unconditional love.
Ben has been so great at reminding me of what we've always said, "I'm not in med school, we're in med school." It's a team effort and we BOTH need to show up for each other. Even though family and friends have been great and super supportive, it's been a very lonely process. It's what I signed up for, and it's what I've prepared for. That doesn't make it any less valid! And it's important to recognize that.
Through all of this, I have become very strong. I've made mistakes and I've let anxiety cripple my thoughts and "what if's" cloud my mind, but I've come out on the other side. Each day is a new victory for me. I always remember our rock, and I picture our marriage as the House that the wise man built. We're in a storm, but we won't be shaken.
When Ben's home, he is who I want to spend my time with. So if I say "no" to someone's invitation or I don't always seem like I have a clear head - please understand that what we're going through is stressful. It's different. It's hard to understand if you're not going through this process. All we ask for is your prayers and come Match Day, we will be on an entirely new adventure, celebrating with you all!
If you are on this same journey, it's okay to feel lonely, and that shouldn't make you feel guilty. Share with your partner how you're feeling, but don't place blame. It isn't their fault. Continue to rally around friends and family and stay busy. Continue to be their rock, and they will continue to be yours.
You're almost at the finish line...(well, one of them anyways ;) )
xoxo
tay
