Unemployed & Full of Purpose

"Unfortunately, the funding for your position has been cut short."

The words, when I think about them, still cut me like a knife. I've never felt so helpless. A flood of emotions rushed through me. I knew it was a grant-funded position. I knew there was a chance it wouldn't be a full two years, like I had been originally promised. I knew there was talk of my position being eliminated long before this conversation. So why was I still so hurt?

I hesitated writing this post. I took the lay off very personally, even though it had nothing to do with my performance as an employee. I loved my job. I loved my coworkers. I loved the mission. I was devastated when I was let go a few weeks before Christmas.

The company was good to me. They paid me until the end of the year, giving me something to fall back on this January. While I was home with family over the holiday, I continued to mask feelings of failure, inadequacy, and depression. I tried really hard to focus on the good and the positive.

With Ben in full swing of his third year of medical school, this was probably the worst time for me to lose my job. I am the sole breadwinner, only relying on Ben's extra loans for things like rent and his gym membership. When you're in a medical marriage, or really any marriage where only one person is employed, the pressure is all on you. The pressure is even worse to KEEP your job. When I walked through the door on my last day at work, I felt a heaviness on my chest that I've never felt before. Is this what it felt like to be a failure?

My saint of a husband has never once let me feel inadequate. He's not disappointed in me. In fact, his love for me has shown through like no other time in our marriage in the past 3 weeks. He has been incredibly patient and kind. I could not understand how someone who relies on me to provide financially could not see me as less than for losing my job. I could have taken the other offer at the more stable organization that I had received an offer from last year. I could have kept looking for other employment instead of pursuing this grant-funded one.

I could have. I could have. I could have.

These words burned through my mind day after day as I pretended I was over it. I kept telling myself to stop being so dramatic. I'd find another job.

But then I would think about how emotional it is to start over again. Starting over is always scary. I hate it. New faces, new responsibilities. It's all so overwhelming.

The "what if's" began to flood in as well. What if I never find another job? What if we have to move out of our apartment? What if there's a medical emergency and we don't have the money to pay for it? What if? What if? What if? I was exhausted.

On the last day of my Christmas vacation with my family in Massachusetts, Ben and I sat down in the family room and drank our coffee. The steam from mine swirled up toward my nose and made my eyes water. I thought, "maybe I can finally shed a few tears over this, and just say it was the coffee steam." I closed my eyes, deciding it wasn't the best idea. Ben would see through me. We sat in silence for a little bit until he asked me, "So...what's your plan for next week?

"My plan?"

"Yes. You can't sit around all day. You need a plan, or you'll be depressed."

I was angered by his words.

"I don't have a plan. I guess I'll go to the library and finally get a library card. I'll find a coffee shop to go to and apply for jobs. I can-"

"No. You need a set in stone plan. Let's write it out."

Ben gave me some ideas of different things I could do to fill my time. I was still angry. I didn't want to think about any of this. None of these things he was suggesting were fulfilling whatsoever. You know what was fulfilling? My job. You know what made me feel like I have a purpose? My job.

I listened to him ramble, partly listening, partly not. I loved him for helping me, but I resented him because I knew he was right.

Ben suggested I go to daily mass. He suggested I worked out every day. He suggested I go visit family and friends.

"I don't know. I don't think any of that stuff will help me feel fulfilled."

"Really? You don't think going to mass every day will make you feel fulfilled?" Ben looked at me with skeptically. Touché.

The Saturday evening we got home, I sat down at my laptop with a new determination to make my schedule. I opened up excel and began.

7:00 AM - Wake up

7:15 AM - Breakfast

8:00 AM - Mass

and so on...

The week went by a lot better than I expected. I got to 4/5 masses. I worked out every day. I got my library card. I visited 3 coffee shops. I applied to jobs, cleaned, and got things done that I've been putting off. But, I felt a pull to "do more". I felt God telling me to trust in Him that He will provide, and not to be afraid.

I used my own money, with a strange peacefulness, to make bags for homeless people on the side of the road. My mother-in-law was the inspiration, as she does this every year. I created each bag, filled with McDonald's gift cards, socks, toothbrushes, granola bars, and a little card reminding these people that their lives are worth living.

I gave more at mass each Sunday than I normally would.

I offered to babysit my niece and nephew so I could spend more quality time with them.

I helped an old man at the grocery store find his favorite milkshake, where I would normally be rushing or too busy to do so.

I stopped to talk to the cashier at the register.

I got my car washed - something I find stupid and monotonous.

I said "yes" to more evening events that I would normally turn down.

I tried hard not to put the TV on until after dinner each night.

Throughout this entire unemployment process, I have learned how to completely surrender to God's will. And he has rewarded me two-fold. I have been able to be present to my family way more than I ever have been, and I have been anxiety-free about it. Thanks to my generous family members (and my birthday) just enough money has been coming in to sustain us for these past few weeks. Money seems to be coming out of the wood-work, just as we need it the most.

I am not sure of my future. I have been promised things time and time again just to be put on hold or to become doubtful about it. I have no idea how long I'll be unemployed, but between my husband's constant support and my faith in God, I can honestly say I'm not concerned about it.

As a side note, I am working harder within my graphic design business. I have a couple of clients whose money will be a godsend these next few months, and I'm excited about the projects I'm working on. I can't wait to share them after their complete!

If you or anyone you know needs any creative service done, have them reach out to me :) My portfolio can be found here.

This is also a thank you to everyone who has reached out to me through text, email, LinkedIn, Facebook, you name it, to express well wishes and prayers during this frustrating time. Like I said, God has never let us down and He has loved us so well lately.

And He's teaching me how to love better, too.

Peace and blessings!

-Tay

#family #unemployment #married #medicalschool #whitecoatwife #finances #graphicdesign #supportsystem