Update: We Want Chocolate
4th year is HERE and I am HERE for it.
So many people told us that when we started this journey, 4th year would be the best. Relaxed rotations, easy schedules, a little bit more flexibility and understanding of what your week might look like.
4th year is also time for Ben to participate in "audition" rotations, where he rotates within some of his top choice hospitals and their programs. They basically asses how much they like you as a candidate, and Ben assesses how much he likes their program. Then, he would hopefully be asked to come in for an interview.
Another huge part of 4th year is traveling for interviews. Even though we may not want to live or join a program in Missouri, he'll have to apply to programs in Missouri. Kansas. Maine. Basically anywhere that has a PM&R program, he'll apply. Since you really want to match (rather than not match at all) it's recommended to apply to programs all over.
While I've ruminated on this thought often, I think I've finally let it set in that this time next year we might be somewhere other than Cleveland. There are so many variables it's hard to keep track. I keep pushing the thought of leaving Ohio and everything/everyone we know off to the side. I keep telling myself to "worry about it later". Then I usually slip into anger. Why does this process have to be so unsettling? Why can't he just get a residency here so that I can keep my new *awesome* job and we can live our lives the way WE want?
Yesterday at mass, God humbled me. Fr. Matt had a great homily about God not always giving us what we want, but what we need. He gave an analogy of a little kid going through the checkout of a grocery store with their mom. Little kids always want gum or candy/chocolate from the checkout counter. Parents are usually quick to shut them down, "you don't NEED that, we're not getting it today." And then, the child usually erupts into a temper tantrum.
He equated that with what usually happens with God. We ask for stuff we want - petty, small stuff that doesn't really matter but to us is a big deal. God doesn't always shut us down, but when He does it feels like the end of the world. He promises us sustenance. He promises food that will keep us going, like bread, milk, and eggs. He wants to give us the best stuff for the best life. But sometimes, we REALLY want that chocolate. So we bargain.
"God, if you turn all these lights on Cedar rd. green so I don't have to sit in traffic I promise I will praise your name for the rest of my life."
"God, can you please just hold off on the rain for 30 minutes so I can finish mowing the grass? I promise I'll go to mass every Sunday."
"God, please let Ben and I stay in Cleveland so we don't have to move away from everything we know and love and he can be a doctor at his dream residency. We will do whatever you want if you just give us that!!"
The problem with the bargaining is that God doesn't work that way. He knows what's best, and sometimes what we want is also what's best - which is great!! And sometimes, it can be the exact opposite.
To be honest, I have not been the most charitable when people approach the subject of Ben's residency. My parents are hoping he matches in Tennessee, so that we are closer to them (which would be great, too!) Sometimes people will ask, "what will you do if you match at (random place that isn't Ohio)?" Me: "I'm not going."
*laughter*
As much as I wish I wasn't serious, there is a small sliver of me that truly thinks about staying. I'm just being honest.
Let's get one thing clear - I will go wherever we match, and I will be thankful we matched. But that doesn't mean that it won't be hard.
Guys. This process is HARD. It's incredibly stressful never knowing a med student's schedule (especially for someone as detail oriented and organized as I am). It's so frustrating having to explain to people how it all works and how we don't really know what our lives will look like in a year. It's sad when people ask "when will you start your family?" when you honestly thought you had it figured out, and then you lost your job when you only had one income. It feels a little helpless that no one really understands unless they're living it as well.
But with all of the uncertainty comes grace. I'm terrified for this next year, but I'm also excited. Everywhere God has led me in the past has been nothing short of perfect. My broken heart has been mended by His grace so many times, I know he will come through for us always.
Mom and dad, I know you know how much I would love to be near you at least for a few years, but please understand I have no control! Thank you for being so supportive and understanding, and always lending a listening ear.
To our prayer group, you have been nothing short of an incredible community for us during the past year, especially with most of you being doctors yourselves! You have taught us to trust more, love harder, and never fear the future.
Communion of Saints parish and priests, your community has brought us so much JOY. We could not have asked for a better church to join as a young married couple.
To my Burnham family, thank you for your continued love, support, and understanding during these past 3 years. Whenever Ben had night shifts and I didn't want to be alone, you opened your homes with compassion and always invited me to different things. Thank you for understanding that he can't always join in on the fun, as much as we want him to!
To Nestle, my new place of employment, thank you for helping me feel like a person and not just a number. Thanks for seeing my worth and allowing me to provide for my family.
To Cleveland, thank you for being such a wonderful home. I hope to be with you for a few more years ;)
As we continue down this road of "what-if's" and roller coasters of emotion, we want to thank everyone who has helped us this far! We know God's got bread and eggs waiting for us (and maybe just a lil bit of chocolate :))
xoxo Tay
