I Can't, I Have to Study

There are a few words in the English language that are like nails on a chalkboard to my ears. Words like "moist" and "fat" and "we're-out-of-blueberry-coffee".

The phrase that probably irks me the most is, "I can't."

I am an introvert at heart, so on the rare occasion I want to make plans with friends and do something and they "can't", I immediately feel as though my heart sinks into my stomach. Dramatic, right? It's true. I get these bursts of energy and it makes me want to do all sorts of fun things with people. When they "CAN'T", it's heartbreaking!

The one person I want to do all the fun things with is my husband. Unfortunately, he "can't" always do fun things with me.

In college, Ben's schedule basically consisted of studying, sleeping, eating, and going to meetings for various clubs he was involved in. Time spent with me was sprinkled on top, most days.

And that was fine! I had plenty of introvert time and when I was feeling outgoing, I'd make plans with my roommates or other friends. All was chill.

Now that I'm married and living in a city where my friends are sparse, spending time with my husband is basically all I want to do. Unfortunately for me, his schedule does not always allow for it, especially since my free time (weekends) is his study time.

Don't get me wrong, I admire his dedication and I am happy he doesn't blow it off. If he did I highly doubt we would reach his dream of becoming a doctor!

I do, however, wish we could completely erase the phrase "I can't" from his vocabulary. Moreover, the phrase "I can't, I have to study."

As frustrating as it is for me to not be able to plan weekend events due to his study schedule, I'm sure its much more frustrating for him. Sometimes friends will invite us to weddings or other fun things that we just cannot attend because of an upcoming test or worse...BOARDS.

We are actually flying back to my hometown for my brother's confirmation in May, to which Ben is the sponsor. He's already made it clear that he'll need to lock himself away at my house in order to prep for Board which are in June (understandable). As much as I'd love for him to spend quality time with my family a bit more, I know it'll pay off in the future when he's reached his goals.

Just last week he mentioned to me that he needs new shoes. I said we should both take a trip to the outlet mall and get some this weekend. "I can't, I have to study." He says, like clockwork.

My initial reaction was to flip over the table and shake him by his shoulders "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SKIP IT FOR ONCE?????????" I felt my palms get sweaty and my heart was racing. "This is going to be the rest of my life," I kept thinking. Why can't he just say something like, "Dang Tay, my super hot wife, I'd love to spend time with your really cute face and amazing personality, but unfortunately if we want to be financially stable one day I'll have to take a rain check. There is no one else I'd rather be with, though."

If he said that more often, I don't think we'd have as many problems.

Instead of allowing myself to float in my anger, I felt myself smile and say, "Okay, that's fine. Another time."

Ben replied "Oh but we should go to confession on Saturday since it's Divine Mercy and we get the plenary indulgence." He shot me a really cute look and made the shooting gun gesture. I felt myself relax and thought, "that's a much better plan."

So you see, folks. I'm not the best at not getting frustrated with my husband's looming career. It's bound to get much, much worse and i am preparing myself to do more things on my own. For everyone that's struggling with the same type of thing, I'd love to talk! Just remember to enjoy the moments you do have with your med school spouse, and be thankful for your marriage and the opportunities you've been given. :)

-Tay

#thoughts #medicalschool #marriedinmedschool #marriage #study #boards #boardprep #Catholic #sacrifice #secondyear #OMS