The Haunted House: Turning Fear into a Beloved Home.

If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would be sitting in my two bedroom apartment in Cleveland that overlooks a golf course, with my dog curled up at my feet and my husband telling a story about his day at medical school, I wouldn't have believed you.

Two years ago, I sat in the chapel at my school, unaware of what my future held. I cried and I cried and I cried. Ben had not heard back from any medical schools. We were engaged, school was ending in a few short months, and we had no idea where we would end up.

Pennsylvania? Indiana? Virginia? Ohio? Iowa? Kentucky? Tennessee?

Our entire world was up in the air post graduation.

Ben decided to apply for graduate school at Case Western. We'd still be in Cleveland, it would just add two years onto his schooling, and a whole-lotta debt. He decided he would re-apply to medical school once he had finished up grad school.

I remember we were driving to Boston for Christmas break. We still hadn't heard from Case Western, and we were nervous. Our nerves put us on edge. I remember we stopped at a gas station for gas and snacks. We had a few hours more to go, and we were both exhausted and hangry. Ben asked me to run in and grab him some ibuprofen because all of the driving was making his hip hurt. Since I was paying for the gas, I didn't want to spend $15 on gas station ibuprofen (college days = broke days). I went in anyway to grab snacks, and told him they didn't have any. I didn't look very hard, but I knew they had some. It was just expensive. Ben went in, found some medication and got back in the car. He started to argue with me about my lack of empathy and how cheap I was being as I turned out of the gas station and onto the highway.

As he continued his ramblings, he had put his sunglasses up on the dashboard. My knuckles were white on the steering wheel. I just want to get home. When is he going to stop nit-picking everything I do? I'm so annoyed so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut.

All of a sudden, traffic started to build up and I slammed on my brakes. His sunglasses slid loudly down the dashboard and into my lap. I picked them up and loudly proclaimed "WHAT ARE THESE DOING...ON MY DASH????????"

The way I said it must have been humorous because we broke out in laughter.

Even though we started laughing, we were both still angry at each other. We sat in silence for a few more minutes. Ben's phone was blowing up. I wanted to ask him so badly if something had happened, but I didn't.

Keep your mouth shut, Taylor. That'll show him.

Now that I think about it I think it was a win-win situation for Ben at the time. I wasn't talking and he had won an argument.

His phone kept pinging with texts and I was getting annoyed. About a half an hour later I asked him what the HELL was going on that he had to be texting everyone.

"I got accepted to Case." He looked at me and half smiled.

I was soooooo mad. But a wave of relief rolled over my shoulders.

My stubbornness permitted me to smile back and say, "congratulations," but then I immediately put my eyes back on the road and kept my mouth shut. On the inside I was so happy for him. I was also mad that he didn't tell me first.

Obviously, a few hours later we had both gotten over it and celebrated once we got to my family's house safely. We knew which road we were about to take, and we were no longer lost.

Finally, the stars were aligning!

Then of course, Ohio University Heritage College of Osteopathic Medicine called him in for an interview a few weeks later. But that's an entirely different story :)

Life is so incredibly scary when we are unaware of our future. We think we have life all planned out and then, BAM. Things don't go exactly the way we want. Usually, whatever happens is BETTER.

A home is not just where you live. It's what breathes in all of your cares of the day. All of your worries and your beliefs and your joys. It doesn't necessarily have to be a home full of family. It's doesn't have to be a home full of friends. It could be your favorite spot to fish down at the lake - alone. It could be a bar stool at your local pub. It can be anywhere you feel the safest - the warmest - where you feel wholly you. It's a place where we associate happiness, joy, and peace. How many times in your life have you gone through something tragic, and you've said aloud "I just want to go home"?

Sometimes we are forced to make a place our home. It may be a place we're afraid of. We don't know it, so we fear it. We usually start our home-moving process when we go off to college. Then, it might start over when we move into an apartment. It might happen again when we visit our in-laws house for the first time. Whenever we enter a place that will someday be a "home" to us - it usually starts with anxiety and fear. "This place is not my home. It's not where I'm at peace. It's not where I feel happy." Hopefully, in time, we will learn to love it. But in the meantime we just aren't certain, and that leaves us desperate.

Yes, I was scared for my future with Ben. I didn't know if I would love Cleveland or hate it. Would I even find a job? A nice area to live? Would we have a family too late, or too soon? Would it ever feel like home?

God has such a weird way of comforting us. He gives us all these clues that shout, look this way! It's so much better over here! Yet we become so good at turning our cheek.

I can happily say that I am so filled with joy that we get to live in Cleveland. Yes, there are days when I miss my first home terribly. But I fill that void with my 4th home. And my seventh, eighth, and ninth home. The places that fill me with inexplicable joy and contentment on this Earth. (Until I reach the heavenly home ((I hope)) of course.)

Don't fear the future. Just because you leave one home doesn't mean you can't make another somewhere else. It might have a different feeling, different curtains and carpeting, but it'll be yours. I like to think each home we have fills a little void in our hearts. Every time we visit, that familiar feeling of filling the void floods over us again. Over and over and over - what a blessing.

That's why I am so blessed to say I have multiple homes in which my heart, my choices, and my God have led me.

One of my homes is on Jones Rd in Massachusetts.

Another, in a pew at St. Joseph's Church in Charlton.

Another, on top of a gorgeous hill known for its delicious ice cream & sunsets.

Another, a small campus on a hill in Steubenville, Ohio.

Another, in a rickety old house with the number 760.

Another, in a Karteusan Monastery resting in the Austrian Alps of Gaming.

Another, a humble home on North Wooster Avenue in Dover.

Another, on a bar stool in the basement of Great Lakes Brewing Company.

And my current - a two bedroom apartment in Cleveland overlooking a golf course with my dog curled up at my feet, and my husband telling a story about his day at medical school.

-Tay

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