Licking the Open Wound: Judgement.
- Admin
- Sep 11, 2017
- 4 min read
I will be the first to admit that I can be a judgmental person. Wait no, to be honest, I am a judgmental person.
That being said, I am very good at discarding my judgmental thoughts about others and quickly turning them into something lighter. Usually, though, I'm a pretty good judge of character.
The person I judge the most is myself. I have the biggest guiltiest (sp?) conscience of anyone you will ever know. When I was 12, I wasn't allowed to have Myspace of AIM....but all my friends were. They would sign me up for profiles while I was at their house, unbeknownst to my parents. I would be so full of thrill...rebellion...adrenaline kicked through my body knowing I was doing something my parents didn't know about. I would message boys I had crushes on, take a billion photos on my flip phone that I only used to call my parents, upload them to Myspace, add all of my friends from school, throw in a cool track from MayDay Parade and that was it. I was relevant.
As soon as my parents would pick me up the next morning and I got into the passenger seat of the car, my heart would drop into my stomach. I would sweat. My heart would pound so loud I could hear it in my ears. I would rush through the door at home, sneak onto the family computer and frantically delete all of my profiles I created the night before (trying to hold back tears, but mostly sobbing at my dumb-stupid-no-good self.)
I guess you could call it Irish-Catholic guilt. I would judge myself for my actions (even at 12 years old). So today, at age 23, whenever I do or say something I regret, I have a tendency to mull over it for days. Sometimes even weeks. I try to justify what I did/said. Most of the time I come out of having conversations in my head feeling like a total loser (yes, you read that write. I have conversations with myself in my head.)
Ben rolls his eyes because on more than one occasion I have started conversations with "So last night in my sleep I was thinking about..."
and he'll chime in, "Tay, if you're asleep you are dreaming. You can't actively think about things."
and I'll continue with, "yes I can. Last night I thought about how we should look into...(insert topic here.")
By this point in this post you're probably thinking that "this girl is straight up whack in the head." I don't blame you.
It's exhausting constantly judging every single move you make. I find it funny when people get tattoos or bumper stickers or any type of label that says "ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME". Well, in a sense, that isn't true. Anyone can judge you. God's judgement is the only one that matters.
In this past weekend's reading, the gospel said:
Jesus said to his disciples: "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother. If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, so that 'every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church. If he refuses to listen even to the church, then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector."
I think this is a good reminder for people, like me, who tend to judge others too quickly (including ourselves).
The first step when we notice someone doing something bad for themselves, is to talk to them privately. Don't gossip or make a scene or mull over how that person's actions make you feel. I have done this on more than one occasion. Sadly.
The second step is to encourage other friends who also don't approve of the behavior of the individual to talk with them. Lovingly let them know that their actions have consequences.
When Jesus said to "tell the Church", I don't really know if He means go to the actual Church. It wouldn't be appropriate to stand up on the altar and openly accuse an individual of wrongdoing in front of a community of people (duh). I believe He means speak to a priest about the individual. Seek his guidance and ask the Holy Spirit to guide your words. To treat someone like a Gentile or tax collector is the last resort. This is meant to be a wake up call.
We can use these methods on ourselves when we feel we are being to scrupulous in our thinking. When we feel like we are talking our self off of the edge, grab some friends to talk you down. Go to a priest or a therapist and express your worries. Don't bottle it up and feed the guilt.
The person I look too the most to help me remember not to live life too seriously is Max Burnham. If you don't know Max, you're missing out. He's my brother-in-law, and he's the least judgmental person you could ever meet. He has no judgement in his DNA - quite literally. Max has Down Syndrome, and the only thing I have ever seen him judge is who is the best America Ninja Warrior and which taco from Taco Bell is the best. How amazing is it that someone so loving could be that constant reminder in my life?
We are all flawed - for sure. Judging ourselves does not make our flaws any more worthy of being flaws. It throws dirt into an open wound.
It's our job to heal in the best ways we know possible: Exercise, prayer, long walks, talking it out with a friend, etc.
I think medical students know what I mean when I say we can judge ourselves too harshly. Ben will do really well on a test, and beat himself up for not getting 100%. He always thinks he could study harder, longer, better. Yes it's important to better ourselves, but not so much that we drown in our own self-pity.
My message is: be like Max. Your biggest worries about judgement should be how much you love and how good your taco is.

<3 Tay
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