Being Married to a Med Student is Like Falling on Your Ass.

This weekend I stumbled across another blog called Marriage and Medicine. The woman running the blog, Lindsay, is married to a resident. She interviews different people on how they have dealt with a spouse going through med school/residency. I scrolled through the blog, getting more and more excited since I could relate to almost everything everyone was saying. One thing stuck out to me on this blog: the positivity.

Lindsay and her writers by no means sugarcoat what life is like being married to a medical student. They do, however, shed a positive light on the future, especially residency, and all of the blessings that can come from it.

In one of her blogs, Lindsay's words truly resonated with me. It slapped me in the face like a ton of bricks, but I needed to read them:

"Another issue that came up again and again was the temptation to hold on to the idea that "I had sacrificed so much" to move somewhere for Beau. And sometimes I would hold that over his head. "I moved here for you, so the least you could do is (insert what I wanted here)". Don't do this. The beautiful (and difficult) thing about being in a relationship is that you become a part of a team. Throw away the notion that the reason you're having to uproot your whole life is solely because of your partner's needs. I wholeheartedly believe that there's purpose and opportunity for you as well, you just have to keep your eyes open (instead of wallowing in self-pity and taking it all out on your partner)."

Okay, I do this a LOT. I have stopped doing it outwardly, because I feel like a straight up bitch when I say something like this out loud. I do, however, think it a lot in my head, especially when Ben and I are arguing. "I moved 10 hours away from my family and friends just to follow YOUR dreams." - yeah. I need to quit doing that.

I think Lindsay's words can resonate with people who don't have spouses in medical school. They can resonate with people who have spouses in any demanding career. You are a TEAM, and sometimes one team members goals supersede the other. That doesn't mean that either team member's dreams or goals should be squashed. My dreams and goals are just working at a slower pace. It's so easy for people to look at me and think that I gave up what I wanted (which is by the way, a family, and possibly developing a coffee shop in Dover, but that's a different story :)

In reality, I am in love with my husband. Loving someone means wanting the absolute best for someone, even if that means giving up your wants and needs.

This brings me to the next blog post that came from a guest writer named Micah.

"There is a funny stereotype about "doctors' wives" in our culture. We're supposed to be women riding our partners' coattails to the upper echelon of society. But that's so far from the truth. In fact, I think that being "married to medicine" means being supportive and independent...No matter how hard I thought I had it, I knew that at least one person Eric is meeting is having the worst day of their life. The difficulty of "marriage to medicine" should be overshadowed by the fact that doctors give so many people in this world a second lease on life. What they do every day is incredibly consequential and if it means allowing Eric to do that job well, I'm more than honored to fight battles on my own."

Those words also hit me like a ton of bricks. What a perspective! No matter what I'm going through - isolation, loneliness, a bad day at work, dropping my dinner onto the nasty kitchen floor- the people Ben will be seeing are having it way worse, and he is the one that carries that baggage.

It's true, that my independence has soared over this past year. Finding things to do has been my biggest challenge, but I've done it. How blessed are we that we are so close to Ben's family? I love spending time with my sisters and brother in law while Ben studies. I'm taking advantage of it now since I have no idea where we will be once he graduates!

As he takes on more responsibilities this year (tutoring, being a TA, etc.) I find myself becoming stronger in my sense of self. I am able to do a lot more than I ever thought I could. This gives me hope for our future.

Being a med student spouse - or an army spouse, or a teacher's spouse, or a hardworking salesman's spouse - is about constantly falling on your ass. You reach your hand up for your partner to pick you up, but chances are they are probably picking someone else up. And that's okay. You pick yourself up, and in doing so, grow to love your spouse, and yourself, even more.

If you want to read more stories about this awesome journey, check out Lindsay's blog here.

I'm incredibly thankful for writers like her who make me excited for the future, no matter how scary it gets. :)

-Tay

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