I'm Not Good Enough.

Lately, a phrase has been ringing in my ear. No, not lately. Constantly, actually. "You're not good enough".

The faithful side of me chocks it up to good old Satan, who has nothing better to do with his days than manipulate people into digging their own graves.

The feminine side of me chocks it up to the magazine covers that show me just how big my waist should be and "46 Moves in Bed that Will Make Him Want to Stay."

The part of my personality that creates self-doubt, allowing it to submerge my entire being into a cloud of unworthiness - that's the worst side of me.

There are multiple places I feel I am not good enough.

At work, there are days that I hear whispers. Whether about my performance or my experience or my attitude. I try not to let these things get to me, no matter how hurtful the whispers can be. Sometimes, I believe the words I hear. But why? These people don't know me. They don't know my motives, my intentions, my visions for my future.

All they know is that I'm a Communications major from outside of Boston who has a Massachusetts attitude and a "take-on-way-too-many-tasks-at-once" work ethic.

That.Is.All.They.Know.

At home in Charlton, I always was the child that never got in trouble. I never did anything that would make my parents lose their trust in me. I was independent. I got my chores and my homework done. I checked off my own lists.

I was the child my siblings loved to hate. For a while, there was a lot of tension because they chose not to live their lives exactly like mine. I was over-bearing. I was another mother to them that they didn't need. I checked in on them too much. I was harsh with my words, I was unkind at times. I was an accuser, instead of a hand-holder. I was the sister that always said "don't you know this will hurt your future??" Like I knew it all.

This didn't stop until I went away to college.

I saw an entirely new world. A world where I was, actually, helpless. I had done so many things on my own my entire life, yet I didn't know how to cook a meal for myself. I forgot how to do my own laundry. I didn't have a car, so I had to be creative on how to get around. I had to open my own bank account (one that wasn't connected to my mom's). I had to buy my own work clothes, pay for books, etc. I came to find out, I didn't know much at all.

I didn't feel good enough. To be a sister, a daughter, a friend, a girlfriend. I finally came to see me through my siblings' eyes. I could see why it was so difficult to love someone like me. Even my friends from High School who loved me for who I was found it difficult to deal with the way my "love for them" came across as judgement. I didn't feel good enough.

As a wife, damn. I don't feel good enough almost daily. Ben makes it look easy. He's ready to take the dog out when I'm coming home late from work. He will usually offer to make dinner or clean the apartment. He's ready to pick up groceries or do errands. When he asks simple things of me, it's a hardship. "UGH BUT I'M SO TIRED I CAN'T GO PICK UP JALAPENO'S FOR THE DINNER YOU ARE MAKING US."

Yep, me.

I long for the day when Ben becomes a Doctor, but I'm also terrified of it. My husband will be saving the world, but where will I be? He calls me beautiful and makes me feel incredibly adored, but what will I ever be able to do for him?

Maybe I should pick up that magazine and read about those 46 moves (kidding.)

As a wife, I am definitely not good enough. I could do so much more.

As a faithful Catholic, I am SERIOUSLY not good enough. I could do so much more.

As a sister, I could do so much more.

As a daughter, I could do so much more.

As a friend, I could do so much more.

As a co-worker, I could do so much more.

And yet here I am, wallowing in my "not good enough" attitude instead of embracing it to do more.

My ultimate goal is to do so much and be so good that when I die, God points to me and says "Dang, you're good."

In the meantime, I will embrace how "not good enough" I am and use it to my advantage. I will strive and I will become selfless and I will work my butt off and I will become (to some extent) good enough for the things I feel so unworthy of.

<3 Tay

#family #marriage #medschool #medstudent #happy #worthy #school #faith #catholic #siblings