Guest Post - A Sour Start: When the Honeymoon Phase isn't Sweet.

When I first met my sister-in-law Grace, I was terrified of her. Well, I was terrified of meeting all of Ben's sisters, but since Grace lived in Knoxville, Tennessee and was the one they always talked about, I was scared to live up to her expectations. In my mind, she was this beautiful, quiet, untouchable, theologically sound, corn-is-like-an-angel human being. (Dan in Real Life, anyone?)

When the time did come, and I met Grace, she was warm and friendly. She treated me like she had known me forever. Her calming presence formed her into a role model for me. I loved spending time with her, talking with her, joking with her. She has become one of my closest friends, and now she is my sister.

When she told me she had a blog to submit for White Coat Wife, I was thrilled. She's a fantastic writer, and has a lot of the same struggles as other people.

When I first read this, I was humbled by the honesty and clarity. Marriage is not always sweet like we wish it to be. Careers, hobbies, friends, babies, and so much more can get in the way of connecting spouses in a marriage. Grace breaks down what this is like in her post, and I want to thank her for her vulnerability. Marriage truly is the beginning of new life.

I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I had a really good understanding of marriage. I thought that finally being married, living in the same state, and getting to wake up next to him every morning was going to make me happy. Six months into it and I can tell you—I was wrong.

Our first few months of marriage were tougher than either of us ever could have imagined… and it was kind of a blow to the ego considering we had so many friends and family members tell us how perfect we were for one another. There was no “honeymoon phase” for us. We swung right into craziness the second day of our marriage, our main struggles comprising of a spouse who was struggling to keep his head above water at work, and the other who was unemployed, job-searching, and battling boredom-induced depression.

At the end of each day, my husband came through our door exhausted--and the poor guy still had hours of work to complete. I had been home by myself all day ,in a brand new city and state. I spent most of my days trying to find things to do with all my free time. I joked a lot about being a trophy-wife and stay-at-home dog mom, but in all honesty, I was so lonely. I knew nobody in our town except for my husband and thus was dying for quality time and interaction by the time he came home. He wanted to meet all my needs and expectations, but he couldn’t forgo his other responsibilities if he wanted to be able to keep providing for us.

Our opposite struggles were frustrating and debilitating, both of us wanting to be stronger for each other, and both of us feeling like failures. Tearful conversations happened multiple times a week. There were even unspoken thoughts of, “holy crap… did we make a mistake?” But this is where the beauty and grace of our faith saved us. We both knew for certain that God had led us to one another.

God had been there from our first meeting, through all of dating, and especially on our wedding day. There was no doubt in either of our minds that God had guided us to that altar. This certainty was our greatest comfort. We clung to that clarity, to the memories of our time spent falling in love, and to the certainty that, despite the lack of warm and fuzzy feelings, we knew in our bones that we loved each other. Those feelings had simply been hijacked by stress and misery.

One evening, after a typical, tiring and arduous conversation, I remember being so grateful for a committed and manly husband. He not only allowed me to say things that were probably really difficult for him to hear, he accepted them. He wanted to change and grow for me-- even though he hadn’t done anything wrong. He wanted to meet my needs. He wanted me to be happy. I was so appreciative of his sacrificial heart that I turned around and simply said, “Thank you for loving me…” with all the sincerity of my heart. He responded immediately, “You are easy to love…” and gave me a weak smile. “Actually,” he continued, “ I take that back. Loving you is hard… I mean, what it takes to love you can be so hard…but the decision to love you is easy.“

His recognition gave me butterflies, and I understood exactly what he meant. Despite the fact that he was now very, very aware of my weaknesses and faults… he still wanted to love me. He still saw my goodness. He still thought highly of me. He still wanted me above all the other women out there. His desire to love me was immediate… even if his own weaknesses made it difficult for him to accomplish the task. I felt the exact same way… I still wanted to love him.

That evening lead us to a new realization: we are on the same team. Somehow, our differing opinions and ways of accomplishing goals had made us believe we were opposing competitors. However, the truth is that when we said, “I do,” we became comrades in arms. Now when we fight, we are mindful of the fact that we are not fighting against one another. We are fighting alongside one another. We have a common enemy— whatever wedge has tried to come between us. Our fights are our honest efforts to reunite ourselves alongside one another, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. They almost feel like labor pains—which makes sense as marriage truly is the beginning of new life.

-Grace

@gb_needscoffee

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