I Love You, but Go Away

Last week, Ben went on a mission trip to Kentucky with his Church. Months before his trip, I prepared myself for my first week alone in my new apartment (I've never been one to be alone for too long of a time. I've always had a roommate, I've always been in a full house. There was no "alone" in my book). Yes, I had Benny. But Benny is a chicken. His bark is worse than his bite (for real).

Anyway, here were the phases I went through Pre-Kentucky-Bound-Ben:

"Hell yeah, your first week alone, you can totally fall asleep without drinking an entire bottle of wine."

"Look at you. Any man who broke in here would take one look and say no thanks."

"You don't need a MAN to make you feel SAFE. What are you, a wuss?"

"You should probably see if anyone wants to stay with you...just for a night."

"MOM! Call mom. She wants to visit anyway."

"Wait...I bet Pruni would stay with me for a few days. Besides, there's plenty of time when Ben is in his third and fourth year to practice being alone for long periods of time..."

And that was how the week unfolded. My mom did come visit for the weekend into Tuesday, and Pruni came Tuesday through Friday. I am, in fact, a wuss.

What's funny is the fact that when Ben is home, I don't want him near me. Okay, that's harsh. There are some moments that I want to cuddle up and watch a movie. But even in that sense, "cuddle up" means we're on two separate couches so that I can hog all of the blankets. This is marriage, people.

I also need "IT" (Introvert Time) so when I request some IT and go to my room, Ben sits on the couch to watch baseball. We both win. I don't want him there....but I want him there...am I crazy?

Come to find out, Ben said that most of the guys on the trip said the same thing about their wives. They complain when the husband is never home, but when they are home they freak out like, "Don't you have some place to be??"

Yeah. So I'm not the only one.

So why, when I had an entire week to be alone, did I invite people to stay with me? Because I don't know what the hell I want that's why! I want to be alone, but I need other people there. This my friends, is called high-maintenance. I got it from my mama.

To be fair, I love spending time with Ben. He's my best friend. I love date nights and going on adventures and talking for hours and just being with him. Not to mention, when he's in school we really don't get much time together, so shouldn't I be loving the fact that he's home all the time? I love you but, like, go away???

I thought about this more when Ben got home. I missed him so much when he was away. I wanted him close to me again. I compared it to how I feel about God sometimes. There are times when I feel like He is so out of reach, and there's nothing I can do to feel Him again. But then WHAM, He hits me like a bullet and I feel like it's too much. Please go away, this is too overwhelming. I find other things (people) to fill my day with, to keep me feeling safe and content. I think about God, and I love Him, but I just don't want Him flooding my thoughts with Godly things right now.

It's a very real feeling, and I'm curious to speak to more married women about this. I can't imagine my life without Ben, and I'm so blessed to be in such a fun and loving marriage. However, I feel like it's easy to push God and people in our lives away when things get hard. It's really a selfish thing in most cases, and it's something to really work on.

So, to anyone reading this who feels like "YAS QUEEN THAT'S ME" - please let me know. I hate feeling like I am the only woman out there who feels a little nuts about not wanting to be close to her forever roommate 24/7. If you read this and you're like "Not me, I wanna be near my boo all the time" and you actually are, and it's not driving you crazy, TELL ME. I want to know what that's like :)

Thanks for reading!

-Tay