In the Words of Titus: "But I already did something today!" Marriage as told by an Introve

He did it! Ben finished his first year of medical school and it flew by faster than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking competition. Seriously though, this year felt like a dream. We've almost been married for a year, but it simultaneously feels like we've been married for forever, or 3 days. I can't decide.

I've written a lot about different things on this blog, and most of it actually doesn't pertain to Ben and his med school days. A lot of it was just my life, and the things I had been going through. There were a lot of tough things I had to go through this year, but my marriage is what got me through it all. It's a very different feeling when you go through something extremely difficult when you're married. Especially for Ben and I, who didn't live together before we were married and for 12 months of our relationship we were long distance. When I would go through something difficult, I would sometimes be able to hide it, or shrug it off and pretend like nothing was going on. It wasn't that I wanted to hide my feelings from Ben, I just felt like I didn't want to burden him with my problems if I didn't need too. There were some days where I wouldn't text him back for hours. I would claim I was busy at work or just "forgot". But that wasn't always the truth. (Hey, white lies aren't that bad, okay?)

The truth was that I was dealing with a lot emotionally and not processing it properly. I would shut down my feelings and pretend they weren't there. Or, I would let them all out and break down, crying hysterically and asking God why I was feeling this way. Then 20 minutes later when I was supposed to call Ben and tell him about my day, I wouldn't mention it. It wasn't something he needed to be concerned with. It was just how I was "feeling". My feelings weren't important enough - that is - I didn't take them seriously.

Ben always understood that I had a problem processing my emotions. I was told by a professional that my nervous system was overly-sensitive, and every reaction I have internally is a "knee-jerk" instead of a "slow kick". This was hard for someone like Ben to understand, since he does a lot of slow kicking. As an introvert, I don't really know how to operate in an extrovert world. When marriage came along, it was almost as if I was being interrogated every day.

"How was work?"

"What happened with that girl?"

"Why are you upset?"

"Will you talk to me?"

"Do you need anything?"

Of course, these questions are natural when coming from a person that loves you. A boyfriend, a girlfriend, a sister could even ask these questions and they are normal. It's different when you are used to being able to respond to them on YOUR terms. Now, when I come home it's expected that I have the answers. Well, sometimes I just don't have them. Sometimes work is truly horrible, or that girl hates me, and yes I'm upset but I don't want to talk, and no I don't need anything but to curl up in a ball and cry." That was my mentality. And then it all changed.

A short time ago I experienced a very bad day with my emotions. I finally decided to let Ben in and answer all of his questions honestly. He held me and let me speak. And my whole world spun and my ears rang. Is this what it's supposed to be? Marriage? Constantly letting the other person in? Constantly telling them how you're feeling and letting them hold you and tell you it's going to be okay? Not having any reservations? No vulnerability? Yes. That's marriage, and it's such a relief.

I finally came to terms with the fact that this is his JOB now. When he said "I do" on the altar, he was I do-ing the hell outta the sacrament of matrimony. He was saying YES to everything that I have been afraid of showing him. He was saying YES to loving me unconditionally. He was saying YES to fighting my battles alongside me, not behind me. And so was I.

Obviously, if Ben has some type of big test or excursion and the things I'm going through can wait, they wait. However, I know now that any type of heartbreak I'm enduring should never be kept hidden from him for any length of time. Nobody should fight through obstacles, or feel like they have to fight obstacles, without their spouses' love and support.

Husbands. Never be afraid of letting go to your wives. Your vulnerability and openness is what builds trust and communication. That's their job too, ya know! Wives. Your husbands signed on for this, so stop keeping things from them! Never fight a battle on your own. Find strength in each other, and never let each other slip through the cracks. One year of marriage down , a lifetime of figuring it out to go!

-Tay