The Evil Little Man's Eyes.

I work as a communications coordinator for an outpatient mental health and drug addiction facility with five offices around Northeast Ohio. I probably know more about medications and signs of drug addiction than I would have ever imagined. As someone who wears a lot of hats, I'm supposed to be able to mold myself into doing any job the company asks of me. One of those jobs is as a liaison between hospitals and detox centers and our facility. Surprisingly, this is my favorite part of my job.

I've only been to a few detox centers a handful of times, but every time I go is like the first time. There's always something new happening. There's always a different face and a different type of feeling. A strange calming presence surrounds you, yet your heart feels unsettled and weary. There are different faces, yet the same faces.

Recently while visiting a detox center in downtown Cleveland, I met with a man that was interested in coming to our practice for outpatient help. He had sort of a dead look in his eyes, the same look I see coming from most addicts. The eyes that say "I give up". We chatted for a bit, and I asked him what made him want to get sober now?

"I'm tired," he said. "I'm so tired."

There is a ton of controversy surrounding alcoholics and drug addicts. Some people say "Well, they put themselves there, it's not like someone who has cancer who didn't choose that life. They chose to be addicts." That's true - and also false. Many addicts, more so than not, come from a long line of addicts. That's all they've known, that's all they've seen. Many people start with marijuana in social situations and work their way up. Other people get hooked on opiates the minute they are prescribed them after a surgery. Everyone has a different story. No two addicts are the same.

Except for their eyes.

The eyes of an addict have three substantial characteristics.

1) Tiredness. Not the kind of tired like "Oh I binged-watched Netflix last night and got two hours of sleep" tired. Not the insomnia tired. As I previously mentioned, the "I give up" tired is at the forefront.

2) Sadness. In the back of every addicts mind, they know that they have lost all control. It's like a little evil man has taken over the front part of their brain and the good man is stuck at the back, waving frantically for the evil man to stop. (Or so I've been told). The good man is very sad that the evil man has taken over. And the good man can't do anything about it.

3) Anger. This one is hard to read, because there are two types of angry eyes. There is an angry eye that is mad at themselves for getting into this mess. They're sad and tired and just want to have control over their life again. They're so angry they'll do whatever it takes to get clean.

But then, there is the "give me my drugs" angry. The kind you see in detox where they are on their last day of getting benzos or ultram and they reaaaaaaalllly need to get high, or they'll die. They deserve those drugs, they make them feel better. "If you don't give me those drugs I'll kill you" - that kind of angry eyes. It's hard to feel bad for a person like that, let's be real.

Not everyone I see has these types of eyes, mind you. You really can't judge a book by its cover. There are some very sneaky addicts who look just like everyone else. You would "never guess in a MILLION YEARS that they were addicts" kind of addict. I'm definitely not an expert, but I can say I have seen my fair share of people with addictions go through hell to try to get clean. It's a very grey area for me because there are people out there who have no interest in getting clean, and the addiction is so bad that they scam people, hurt people, and abuse people, all for the sake of a drug. How can we help people like this?

One of my best friends is a social worker for clients with addiction. She told me this:

"The first time someone picks up and uses is usually a choice, yes. But the way their brain responds to that first time throws the disease into action. The brain's pleasure center is activated and a ton of dopamine is released and that's where the high comes from. They start using because they like the feeling, but pretty soon the brain won't function "normally" without the drug. So yes, the first time may be a choice but pretty soon it's a need rather than a want."

- Thanks Clare :)

It's very easy to shame addicts comparably to people with cancer or starving children in Africa. This disease is started by choice. But ask yourself: Have I ever made a choice that was a mistake? Do I regret it? Should I not receive any help because of it? I know that I have lived a cautious life, but there were many times I could have ruined my life and chose not to. These are people who might not understand the consequences. Or maybe, they do. The thing is, that's not your business. Your business is making the world a better place, and that MIGHT include helping someone who chose the wrong path.

Another thing to keep in mind is dual diagnosis. "Dual" means that the the person presents with both a substance abuse problem as well as a mental health disorder. According to dualdiagnosis.org,

"The pair of issues can be comprised of any combination (e.g., alcoholism and depression, painkiller dependence and anxiety disorder, marijuana addiction and bipolar disorder, etc.) and in most cases, the symptoms and issues related to one can worsen the issues of the other."

We treat people with mental health diseases much better than we treat people with addiction. But what if they go hand in hand? The website also said that,

"It is estimated that about 17.5 million Americans over the age of 18 (or 8 percent of the adult population) had a serious mental health disorder in the past year. Of these, about 4 million people also struggled with a co-occurring drug or alcohol dependency."

We as a society cannot pick and choose. We are so hung up on "erasing the stigma" of mental health disorders, but if drug addiction is involved its almost never talked about. I'm not trying to make excuses whatsoever. Like I said, every addict is different. You could be addicted to porn, gambling, eating, you name it. The same dopamine is sent out through the pleasure center of your brain, and you literally have to REWIRE it to go back to the way it was before the addiction. That's hard work. People need to be willing to help.

I was one of those people who knew someone in my family with an addiction and had no sympathy. This job has changed my perspective and subsequently, changed my thoughts about my family member. It has changed my thoughts on addiction as a whole. Please consider praying for these people who struggle with addiction, because you never know if you will ever need help from people who are not willing to give it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, we all have a little evil man and a good little man in our brains. (Our conscience). Be patient with people who let the evil man win. I can bet you've let him win a few times yourself. Because I have, too.

-Taylor