Thank you, Mean Girls

I've grown to understand what it means to see myself the way others see me. There have been multiple occasions where I think people see me one way, and they actually see me in a completely different light.

For example, in college, there was a time that I had become friends with some of the girls on the lacrosse team. I joined the lacrosse team for that purpose only - to make friends. I had a very hard time connecting to women growing up. I never knew why. I didn't know how to come across to them without being "weird" or "trying too hard". I tend to hang around guys. They were easier. No drama, no constantly wondering if they actually wanted to spend time with me.

When I made those friends on the lacrosse team, I felt like I had finally made a connection with a group of girls. Oh, how naive I was.

One night, while on spring break, (while we were forced into staying on campus for 2 a day practices and travelling for games) all of the girls on the team gathered into one room to talk about boys. It started to get deep. Really deep. Girls started crying about how they loved this guy, but this guy really liked them, and they didn't know what to do. Some girls started talking about how this guy cheated on them, and this guy broke their heart. At that time in my life I was still reeling about my exes, and all the ways they had hurt me. You know? When you're 19 and your world ends because the guy you thought you'd spend your life with is a manipulative psychopath, and then your rebound ends up dumping you out of nowhere and you just can't seem to get over it? Yup. That was me.

So I decided to be vulnerable and share my story with the group. Some of them were interested, some of them bounced off of my stories into their own. Either way, on the inside I was like "YES! I have friends I can relate too! I have friends that are GIRLS."

A few days later, a girl on the team had taken a bunch of pictures on her cell phone throughout the week of all of us. Her phone was on the side table charging, so I asked if I could look through the photos and send the good ones to my phone. She said sure, so I got up and grabbed her phone. It was then that my heart stopped. There were texts that had never been closed between her and another teammate. They had been texting each other the night we were all in that room together. I can remember the messages so clearly in my head:

"Oh my god, is she serious right now"

"SHUT THE HELL UP TAYLOR"

"I know, why do we care?"

"We don't want to hear about your freakin ex boyfriend omg"

"She won't shut up. I can't take this"

The worst part was, these were texts from a girl I thought I would actually be friends with for a long time. The sweetheart of the bunch. I immediately started to cry, and I told a teammate what had happened, a girl that I had been friends with a year prior. She didn't really know what to do, since she was also friends with the other girls.

The WORST WORST part was when I was upset the rest of the day, and it happened to be the day we went into Pittsburgh to go to mass and then out to dinner. I couldn't help but cry through mass. The girl that was on the receiving end of those texts just happened to be sitting next to me, and started to rub my back as I cried. She had no idea what I was upset about. I wanted to rip her hair out. I felt a strong urge to tell these girls just exactly why I was sad. I had been vulnerable. I had shared my darkest fears and secrets with these women, thinking I could trust them. I thought that's what women do! Trust each other. Build each other up. Not in this case.

When we got back that night I asked the two girls to come to my room to talk. When I explained what happened, their faces went white. They were immediately silent. A sense of power surged through me. They felt just as bad as I did! But that feeling of power quickly wilted away to sadness again. The girl whose phone I took started to apologize frantically. She said she was upset that we had to stay on campus for Spring Break and she took it out on anyone who was annoying her. I didn't want to hear it. Later that night, she wrote me a very nice letter apologizing, hoping to be friends. I just didn't believe it. I deserved a better friend than that.

This girl went on in college to be the sweet, wonderful friend that everyone loved. I never said a word, except to Ben and that one other teammate. I didn't feel like telling people how much she broke my heart. I was embarrassed. ~Side Bar~ I did try to stay friends with the other girls on the team. I was successful for the most part, until we all went our separate ways. There were still times that I felt unwanted in a situation, I could sense tension, or there was obviously something about me that people didn't like and weren't going to tell me about. Anyway, I digress...

The reason I'm writing about this is because yesterday, my sister Ally brought me to tears over the phone. She had gone on a retreat over the weekend with her closest friends in College. She had a very intimate and beautiful experience with them, and she said that she really felt like she was blessed by them. She felt loved by them. She knew they loved her. God was very present.

Don't get me wrong, I was blessed with amazing women who I knew (and know) love me with their whole heart when I was in High School. There were also some nasty girls in middle school and High School I had to deal with. It was the college girls that really got to me. We're supposed to be adults aren't we?? Here I was, pouring my heart out, loving them with every ounce of my being, and I was constantly rejected in many different ways. Girls are exhausting. I am one of them. WHY ARE WE LIKE THIS???

My Junior year of college into my senior year was when I decided to do a lot of self-reflection. What was it about me that made girls not like me? Was it all in my head? How come this girl can stand me but this girl can't? In the end, I did find things about myself that I was unhappy with. I can be judgmental. I can be insensitive. I can be quick in my reactions. I can be harsh with my words. In these realizations, I began to slowly change my thought processes. I became friends with other wonderful women. I let my guard down. I began to be appreciative of my past and all that it taught me.

So thank you, mean girls all over the world. You make some pretty strong women even stronger. I am not a perfect person by any means, but I hope that anyone else who had a hard time with girls in high school, college, or even now into your later years, you know that you're a stronger person because of it. And I bet you have some pretty kick ass friends now huh?

-Taylor