I Didn't Want My Dog.

As you may have seen all over my social media, Ben and I rescued a dog - Benny!

When we rescued him, his name was Ben Carson. We didn't want to call him Ben because that would be confusing/creepy. He wouldn't answer to Carson. Ben wanted to re-name him Bernie, for Bernie Kosar the Browns player. Whenever I think of Bernie, I think of Bernie Sanders. And so does everyone else. We both decided we'd stick with a "B" name, so we started to call him Brewtus. But that just didn't fit his sweet face. So Benny it is.

We did a trial run with Benny. That means he was living with us for two weeks on a trial-basis. We only bought the bare necessities for him, which included treats, toys, and a food and water dish, as well as a leash and collar.

For the first few days, Benny didn't eat. He didn't poop. He hardly wanted treats! I thought "dang, this dog hates us." But then I read online that it was normal for dogs who were in new environments to not eat, thus, not poop. Benny also has a broken "ankle" bone in his left leg. He was thrown out of a moving vehicle at 6 weeks old, and

the leg never healed correctly. When he stands over his food and water bowl, his little gimp leg raises and you can see his little paw!

He loves walks, so Ben would take him out in the morning, and I would walk him after work. He would play "tug" with us before and after dinner, and then would snuggle when we wanted to watch TV. This dog was perfect. But I didn't want him.

I thought I was going crazy. I had gone through the trouble of buying an ESA license (an emotional support animal license that allows Benny to live with me no matter an apartment's breed/weight restrictions). I had purchased all of these dog toys and treats. We had borrowed a crate from Ben's sister. I had never heard Benny bark...he was quiet, curious, and friendly. He loved us for saving him. But by day 4, I was ready to give him back. This dog was not helping my anxiety, he was hurting it.

I sat down with Ben a few nights in a row to discuss it. The roles had reversed. Ben was in love with Benny, always wanting to play and snuggle with him. I wasn't paying any attention to this angel of a dog. I wanted him out. I didn't want the responsibility. I wasn't ready, like I thought.

On the Friday night of that week, there was the last beer garden of the summer down our street. You can bring your dogs, so Ben and I and our friends Anne and Austin decided to bring Benny to see how he did. Anne and Austin fell in love with Benny too. "You guys found a real keeper" they said, "You literally cannot find a better dog than this," They said.

"Well, I don't know if we can afford him or have time for him or feed him or walk him or play with him or if our renter's insurance will cover him or if he bites someone we will get sued and we can't afford his vet bills and basically I don't want him"...I said.

No one seemed to hear me. They all just loved Benny. And of course, at the beer garden, he was perfect. He was curious about the other dogs and all of the people (about 300 showed up, maybe more). He laid on Ben's feet when we all sat down to eat our luxurious food truck meals. He never barked or snarled at another dog. He was an angel. And yet my heart still felt anxious.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?? I kept thinking to myself. Here he was, literally a match made in heaven dog-and I didn't want him. I texted my husband's family group chat and told them my dilemma. My mother-in-law, the saint that she is, said she would pray and offer up a mass for my decision. Mary and Jan supposedly texted each other that they wanted him. Grace was assuring me all of my feelings were normal. AND I AM LITERALLY LAUGHING BECAUSE ALL OF THIS WAS ABOUT A DOG.

Come Saturday, I finally sat down with Ben and asked "What do you want?"

From the look on his face, I knew deep down he wanted Benny. And he finally opened up to me and said how he felt about the situation. As we talked about it, Benny kept coming over and tried to cuddle with me. He was licking my arm and hands and making me look him in the eye. How could I give this sweet boy back? My heart felt like it was exploding with peace. I think that because I had the OPTION of giving Benny back, I didn't want to get close to him. My anxiety kept telling me that if I got too attached and Ben didn't want him, we'd have to give him back and my heart would break. So I didn't get attached. I didn't spend time with him. My emotions were a complete roller coaster that whole week. In the words of my mother, it was our "first big decision as a married couple". And I hated it!

By Sunday, we had chosen to officially adopt Benny. We bought him a comfy bed which he loves, and Ben bought about 6 more boxes of treats. He finally felt like ours. I love him with my whole heart.

So if any of you want to know how my brain works on a daily basis, this article is it. But good news is, I love my sweetheart dog and he's eating and pooping up a storm :). Thanks for reading!

-Taylor